Into That Hole

How do you deal with loneliness? For the longest time I’ve been telling myself that I am alone, not lonely, and that the two are distinct from each other. But now, as I sit listening to Black Balloon, I find that each time I try, it gets harder to convince myself. I would like to distinguish myself from (what I previously considered pathetic) human beings who embark on the great search for their soulmate, but recently I’ve been fantasizing about finding mine. What would it be like to just hold hands with that someone and feel content? Sheena once told me that the best thing about being with someone is the feeling that there is this source of love that would never run out. And I think, hey, that’s something I wouldn’t mind having. I’d probably spend less nights covered in my sheets, wide awake, wondering why I couldn’t shake the feeling of emptiness off.

Then again, some people would say I just need to get laid. I am not discounting that other possibility.

Funny thing is, sometimes I like feeling lonely. The solitude tends to give you an illusion of peace. Actually, oftentimes when I feel loneliness starting to set in, I don’t even try to ward it off. What I do is listen to some sad song, munch on a chocolate bar, and type away at my journal. I wallow in that coldness, feeling that somehow I connect with the rest of humanity, which is, collectively speaking, a loser at finding love. Then when I tire of it, I get out of my room and pop over to the adjacent house to play with my kid cousins. Unfortunately, the feeling of loneliness never really leaves you, you just set it aside, where it lies ready for next time.

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Nung isang araw ko pa sinulat 'yan, pero ngayon ko lang na-post. Sobrang sadness naman pala. The things some songs can do to you.